Your genetics just called, they said 35 is a good time to go bald.
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I hear 35 is when you reach your prime, but there is still not much value in a nickel and three dimes.
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You’re starting to become a middle-aged man, and you’re clearly playing second fiddle to God’s master plan. We would all try to lend you a hand, but your birthday is giving you a weirdly engorged gland. Goodbye, man!
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I hear you are a hoarder. You’ve got ten over a quarter. It’s probably worth even more down at the border, but you still can’t even afford a birthday porter, so let me order.
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At 35, you’re still a stud until you take them home and show you’re a dud. Sorry, bud!
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Happy 35th birthday! Now, get your prostate checked. Cancer can now make your life a living heck.
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Being 35 makes nothing easy except for getting drunk and sleazy. In your case, it may lead to being homeless and freezing. Stay breezy!
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It’s all downhill from here, 35 is your greatest fear. All your insecurities will become clear, and you will lose all that you hold dear. Yes, even beer.
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When you are 35, every bar is a dive. Why are you even still alive? Well, you won’t be if you drink and drive.
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You already picked up an old man’s musk; 35 is obviously your dusk.
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Welcome to social irrelevance, and prepare to succumb to biological elements. Your age provides endless evidence, but the proof is in the old man stench.
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If I said you were half way to 70, would that straight up be the end of me?
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Now that you are 35, it is time to live a dirty life. So, do you want to share your pretty wife? But please spare your petty strife. You know what would be nicest: Just ignoring your mid-life crisis.
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Happy birthday bro, I’m sorry year 35 is going to blow. Don’t ask how I know; it’s simply how it goes. Remember, there are no more hoes. All that’s left to look forward to are coffins in rows. Keep in mind that the aging never slows.
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35 is still hot if you cover every liver spot. Is the time you’re on borrowed or bought? Either way, it’s all you got. You might get shot or have a blood clot. So, just a thought: is that your lot? I hope not because you would rot.
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You’ve just hit a ripe old age, now it’s time to turn the page. 35 makes you an ancient sage fueled only be alcohol and rage. Now, set the stage for a lifelong cage.
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35 means you’re now too old for high schoolers, so watch as your game is strictly limited to water coolers.
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Have you decided to let yourself go, or are you fighting it? I just don’t know. Either way, you are not long for this earth. In fact, this may be the last time we commemorate your birth.
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Now that you are 35, say goodbye to getting laid. That is, unless you can promise all expenses paid.
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Don’t forget to take your meds! 35 might as well be dead. Sorry great grandpa, it’s time for bed.