Funny Birthday Wishes for 70 year old Woman

Is it true that when you turn 70 that you fart dust?
Don’t worry, I’d never look at your with disgust.
Get a bigger belt to tuck in your bust.
Have a great 70th birthday celebration, after you scrape off the rust.

You’re so far over the hill that you’re coming down the other side.
You’ve aged so gracefully and taken it in stride.
Enjoy the golden years now that you’re turning 70.
My great grandmother has never looked so heavenly.

You’re probably too old to remember being in school.
Now that you’re turning 70, I am sure that you’re no fool.
There’s isn’t much that you haven’t already learned in your days.
We will bake the cake so that you don’t set the house ablaze.

Creaking bones and aching joints are a part of your old lady charm.
Every time you cook, I hear a fire alarm.
Don’t let anyone tell you that turning 70 is getting close to the end.
You’ll still be kicking well into your 90s.
The rules you will always break and bend.

Being old is a little like being a toddler again.
Enjoy your 70th birthday by sipping on a bottle of gin.
You fall asleep and forget everything at the drop of a dime.
I hope someone gives you a watch so at least you’ll know the time.

My dear sweet grandma, I wonder if you realize that today you turn 70.
Having a friend like you seemed to be a blessing in my destiny.
You don’t have to admit to anyone else that you’re old as dirt.
However, don’t let it come as a shock that I vomit when you flirt.

There is something about you that is never quite right.
You argue about everything and always put up a fight.
You’ve already lost your sanity and pretty soon you’ll lose your sight.
Have a fun 70th birthday today, just don’t go into the light.

We tried to light 70 candles but the cake melted away.
I hope that you don’t mind if we don’t take you to the ballet.
You’re well over the hill, but you’re young at heart and play.
There’s so much I hope to learn, like how you do crochet.

One day you’ll be sitting like a toddler in a diaper.
Pooping as you run around the house like a child so hyper.
You’re 70 today, but don’t look a day over 65.
I thought you’d be tired, but you’ve never seemed more alive.

The journey of life has been a really long one for you.
We’re together today celebrating 69 years of life in rear view.
You’ve many years ahead as a crabby old shrew.
Please don’t ever leave us, to our family you are the glue.

You’re so tiny, thin, and always complaining of the cold.
It all makes sense now that you’re 70 years old.
You can barely see to read or pay attention to a show you are watching.
I deal with all of your quirks no matter how weird and annoying.
We all can admit that for an old lady you are still pretty rocking.